Two Pigeons

Two pigeons are waddling back and forth along the rounded window ledge.  One is rather small, yet also chubby.  He is followed by a very well-fed pigeon who moves whenever the smaller moves.  I truly do not know the sexes of the pigeons, but it almost seemed to me like she (for the sake of this posting, the pigeon is a she) was a nursemaid, watching his every move and then fluttering her feathers and shooing him the other direction on the ledge.  Then again, the larger one could be excited by the smaller pigeon, but I'm getting into rather adult territory here.

I'm looking down onto the corner of Robson and Homer Streets and wonder what the pigeons see.  Their shit is all over the ledge and I wonder if they do see humans as potential targets.  Oh, well.  That's me reading too many Far Side Books.

Watercolours

The windows of the bus fogged up.  I used my hand like a windshield wiper, trying to see through the moisture.  As predicted by the weather lady on CBC, it was pouring rain.  I love the sun and miss it when it isn't out, but there is colour to be seen even in the rain.  the trees and farmer's fields are different gorgeous shades of green.  I wish I could paint like my mother, but I realize that I can paint with words and am discovering whole new colours and shades that come into my life.

The bus goes over the river and the water glitters with different shades of blue and green.  As we enter highway 99, Mud Bay comes into view.  Mud Bay is actually mud flats where birds rest and feed. Earlier in my ride today, the bus turned onto a street where the ocean was in close view.  I could see the white caps and loved how the white shone like the sun.

It's supposed to rain for the next ten or so days.  At least it was a warm rain.

"You are on the Right Path"

Until recently, I really didn't know the meaning of Inukshuk.  I like the Inukshuk all the more because I like it's meaning:  "You are on the right path" or "Someone was here."  The curved path surrounds the Inukshuk on English Bay.  Whether I plan to go to English Bay on any given day or not, somehow I seem to be going there more often.  It's a comforting symbol, seeing it towering over the beach, much more meaningful and beautiful than the more modern man-made skyscrapers nearby.

Phobias (especially MATH)

I've spent almost 48 years in a state of fear or should I say fears.  They are crazy, irrational fears, most of them.  Some were rational fears, I think from situations in life I had to face up to and make decisions despite these fears.  I'm no different from most people on this planet.  Everyone struggles with stomache tightening, dizzying, scream-inducing phobias of some kind.   My worst fear (along with death, snakes, etc.) is MATH!

Some of my fears I fought through as I knew I had to get to a specific destination.  I knew that I feared moving to the coast--feared moving without Jason period.  I moved from our home to an apartment on my own and feared being alone.  That fear didn't end, but I grew to love my little apartment.  The next step was leaving Calgary.  That was supposed to be one Jason and I did together!  I did it, though, despite my fear I was deserting him and realized I still have him when I'm on the beach.

I'm fearing not finding work.  That's still true, but the coast is a HUGE area and I fight past my shyness and hand in resumes anyway. 

I'm heading back to school--hopefully.  To get there, I need to pass a MATH test to qualify for entering the Bachelor of Arts program.  MATH!  That's a four-letter word!  I have to do this as I want, desperately, to get into university and I haven't done MATH since high school.  I had a major MATH phobia since grade 1.  My stomache would feel sick everytime I saw the teacher pull out the math booklets  It became a self-fulfilling prophecy: I can't do math!  It didn't help when I had to go up to the board and do the problem in front of the entire class as I went through the grades.
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   #  +   (for the moment, I'm really not swearing).

Right now, I'm surrounded by scrap paper, pencils, a math textbook and have a MATH website (at this point minimized) on my screen.  I'm experiencing something I wish I had experienced when I was very young: I'm having some fun!  If I can get through this and get the majority of other on-line math quizzes correct, I might at least do a good fifty percent.  Okay, maybe more.  The point is, my stomache is tight with good excitement.  Yesterday, I almost didn't want to leave my computer.  I was doing multiplication of fractions and integers and other things I can multiply.  I had a few questions that I had to look at again, but I did some more and got more right.  I'm not saying, for a moment, that I'll never freeze again when called upon to answer a question related to MATH, but the worst of it is getting past me. I might have to go back to the basics, but that's okay.  The fact is, I'm enjoying myself with Math for the first time in a very long time.

White Rock Reminder of War

I saw a train go by the White Rock beach last week on the way to Vancouver.  That's not unusual.  What was unusual was the cargo and people's response to it.  On at least three large flatbed cars sat army tanks and jeeps.  Inside the coffee house, many got up to see the train.  I sensed curiosity and also a resentment towards that particular cargo.  I really hope it wasn't just me, but even if it is, the tanks were unwelcome. 

There is a sense of paradise to the White Rock waterfront.  Many played with their children, walked along the wet sand as the tide was far out that day.  It was warm and ice cream cones were a favourite snack to eat along the promenade, pier and beach. 

It just didn't fit.  I was glad that the train went by so quickly.  I know war exists and I know that many of our young people are over fighting and trying to save the lives of innocent citizens. Most places I've lived in had army bases.  I know that war exists and that many cannot escape the bloody carnage they see every day.  I am one of many who have, on occasion, said "well, they know what they're getting into."  I'm sure we cannot imagine what they see and deal with every day, but I still say, "Bring them Home! Bring them home so that they can see the ocean or the prairies or the mountains!"  Don't let them have to watch again and again as a brother or sister-in-arms gets carried away in yet another airfield ceremony.

Dream

Last night I dreamed I was searching for you.  We had been at an event in a big, green park.

I called your name, frantically, terrified of not being able to find you.  Everyone else made their exit but I still could not find you.  I climbed hills, looked around the trees, and then heard the sound of children laughing!

I looked down into the valley and saw you, cross-legged, children surrounding you, even climbing over your lap.  Some had their little arms tight about your neck.

Your eyes twinkled and you laughed your belly laugh and you weren't even tired!

My heart broke, knowing you were no longer with me, but, at the same time, lightened, seeing you healthy and without the burdens (diabetes and otherwise) that often proved heavy on earth.

Math

To anyone thinks they can escape math, you can't!  I have a qualifying Math exam on Thursday and have to study it until then.  Oh, why do I need math when I'm going into a BA program in English?  Oh, Well.  After this I will be having more posts related to Vancouver and coast.  Until then, study, study, study...