Sunday, March 21, 2010

"You are on the Right Path"

Until recently, I really didn't know the meaning of Inukshuk.  I like the Inukshuk all the more because I like it's meaning:  "You are on the right path" or "Someone was here."  The curved path surrounds the Inukshuk on English Bay.  Whether I plan to go to English Bay on any given day or not, somehow I seem to be going there more often.  It's a comforting symbol, seeing it towering over the beach, much more meaningful and beautiful than the more modern man-made skyscrapers nearby.

Phobias (especially MATH)

I've spent almost 48 years in a state of fear or should I say fears.  They are crazy, irrational fears, most of them.  Some were rational fears, I think from situations in life I had to face up to and make decisions despite these fears.  I'm no different from most people on this planet.  Everyone struggles with stomache tightening, dizzying, scream-inducing phobias of some kind.   My worst fear (along with death, snakes, etc.) is MATH!

Some of my fears I fought through as I knew I had to get to a specific destination.  I knew that I feared moving to the coast--feared moving without Jason period.  I moved from our home to an apartment on my own and feared being alone.  That fear didn't end, but I grew to love my little apartment.  The next step was leaving Calgary.  That was supposed to be one Jason and I did together!  I did it, though, despite my fear I was deserting him and realized I still have him when I'm on the beach.

I'm fearing not finding work.  That's still true, but the coast is a HUGE area and I fight past my shyness and hand in resumes anyway. 

I'm heading back to school--hopefully.  To get there, I need to pass a MATH test to qualify for entering the Bachelor of Arts program.  MATH!  That's a four-letter word!  I have to do this as I want, desperately, to get into university and I haven't done MATH since high school.  I had a major MATH phobia since grade 1.  My stomache would feel sick everytime I saw the teacher pull out the math booklets  It became a self-fulfilling prophecy: I can't do math!  It didn't help when I had to go up to the board and do the problem in front of the entire class as I went through the grades.
   #  +   (for the moment, I'm really not swearing).

Right now, I'm surrounded by scrap paper, pencils, a math textbook and have a MATH website (at this point minimized) on my screen.  I'm experiencing something I wish I had experienced when I was very young: I'm having some fun!  If I can get through this and get the majority of other on-line math quizzes correct, I might at least do a good fifty percent.  Okay, maybe more.  The point is, my stomache is tight with good excitement.  Yesterday, I almost didn't want to leave my computer.  I was doing multiplication of fractions and integers and other things I can multiply.  I had a few questions that I had to look at again, but I did some more and got more right.  I'm not saying, for a moment, that I'll never freeze again when called upon to answer a question related to MATH, but the worst of it is getting past me. I might have to go back to the basics, but that's okay.  The fact is, I'm enjoying myself with Math for the first time in a very long time.