Journeys

It occurred to me today, the way it has occurred to me many times before: I'm alive and am having to take two journeys at the same time.  One journey is one that I Never would have chosen, that of widowhood.  The other is, maybe because of the first one, the journey I can choose where it takes me! Some people in my life had said that it's all about me now.  Frankly, that terrified me!  I love caring for others and I'm used to making one person my soul focus as I had for almost twenty years.  It's all about me. When I look at my bucket list, I realize that some of them weren't easy to list.  They seemed impossible, but I think, maybe that's why I put them there.  I like the challenge of making many of those on the list part of my journey and very much possible!

Days Like This

It's days like this,

       Where the grey of the sky matches the cold gray of the ocean water,
       Where the rain mixes with snow after the sun comes out, briefly promising a new day,
       Where a heart, not ready for the season, wants to shut out the too-early Christmas music,
        and the ho, ho, ho's of the mall Santa making me want to hide.

It's days like this,

        Where the moods of those around can't be shut out,
        Where the self-importance of a few people who earn more than I do,
               can seem to knock me below ground,
      
       That I have to work harder at seeing the blue in the sky,
       The green of the grass and plant life still breathing, and the promise of goals met.

       That I need to look harder into myself to say "Are those people that important?"
       That I have goals and, as hard as it is some days, I will achieve them!




     

Bucket List : Numbers 14 to 21.

14.  Drive a tractor on a farm.
15.  Visit Northern Ireland where my Great Grandmother, Annie Harbottle, was born.
16.  Visit Carrington, North Dakota, where my Grandmother, Violet Hughes, was born.
17.  Go skiing at Whistler (I've skiied before, but never at Whistler).
18. Work as a Library Tech at a library for longer than 3 years.
19. Complete Degree requirements, get BA and then MLIS (even if I'm 80 when I'm done!)
20. Live on a houseboat.
21. Ride a canal boat through Britain and Europe (doesn't have to be fancy, just floats well).

Bucket List : Numbers 11, 12, and 13.

I've always wanted to go back to Zambia (or anywhere in Africa) so:

11.  Volunteer at an orphanage.
12. Take a safari.
13.  Place flowers on the grave of my foster sister, Ruth Nakazwe.

Bucket List 6-10

6. Get over my fear of snakes by staying in Australia or any of the countries in earlier postings.
7. Get more singing lessons.
8. Ride in a hot air balloon.
9. Hike the Chilkoot Trail in the Yukon up to Dawson City.
10. Sing in a nightclub.

Count on it, I'll be coming up with more.
11-15 coming up tomorrow.

Bucket List

I do not plan to kick the bucket anyday soon, but I have constructed a list of all things (so far) that I want to achieve or try in my life.  I sometimes get diverted but it's always there in the back of my mind.  Here they are, as I said, so far:

1. Ride a camel.
2. Ride a horse (I have ridden a horse...I just want to ride more often).
3. Stay in a yurt for a few weeks and write about what's like.
4. Cut a cd.  (If Susan Boyle can do it, so can I).
5. Ride an elephant (in India or Africa).


I have many others, but I have to go get ready for a dinner party.  Stay tuned!

Open Your Eyes

I'm still haunted by it.  The sound of voices all over the ICU ward, "Open your eyes, Jason!", "Open your eyes, George" and etc.  I also wanted your eyes to open but who could know the peace that lay behind your closed lids.  I hope it was peace.  After your body became exhausted by it's convulsions, your new heart valve beating strong, you were no longer the man with his bright eyes and beautiful smile.  You left me on Saturday although your body quit on Easter Monday.

I promised I'd move on, as hard as it was.  I was hoping you'd open your eyes and say, "Kidding!"  It would be a sick joke in many ways, but at least you'd still be with me. 

I see beauty all around me, the gorgeous green and blue of the ocean, bald eagles, rabbits and racoons.  I'm finally opening my eyes to beauty instead of keeping them closed, protecting myself against the reality you are no longer there.  You once wondered in anger, "do I make any difference to you?"  Oh, yes, you do and did.  My shell, which was tough and determined to stay on, is coming off and I'm seeing the sun again and it feels warm.