Granville Island Seagull

You landed on silver (or would some say you were gray?) wings and I'm happy you came to me.

After your elegant flight to the ground, you waddled your funny way to me, hoping for anything I had in my lunch.  Sorry, buddy.  As soft as I am and lovely as you are, you just had to watch.  That was my chicken wrap and caesar salad.

Fenced from the Flame

I, too, wish I could get closer to the Olympic Flame.  A large fence has been put between it and us.  I would like to scream and shout at those responsible for this, but I also feel I need to comment on another amazing thing that is out of reach.  Stonehenge was once at the fingertips of those who wanted to experience the power of the ancient stones.  Now, we can still see it, but graffiti and vandalism has scarred it so that no truly respectful person can get near.

I would like to say I trust everyone, but, despite the good feeling towards the Olympics, there will be those who can't let anyone enjoy the sight or the moment. If the fence and "No Trespassing" sign go, can anyone guarantee that someone won't try to destroy it out of anger or on a drunken bet?  How many more things will be out of reach because ignoramuses can't keep their hot little hands off of other people's pleasures?

Valentine's Day

I wanted to start this off with how I wanted to take the head off of every mannequin wearing sexy lingerie, or how I tear up still when I see cards for "My Sweet Hubby".  Both are temptations. 

Mostly, I want to, as lonely and sad as I feel today, talk about the love I've felt for a man I loved for 20 years.  Jason and I did celebrate Valentine's Day.  We exchanged cards, we went out, dressed up, and placed roses in a vase on our kitchen table.  Valentine's seems sad, though, in other ways.  It's become so commercialized!  I say Yes! Have a romantic night, but don't just have it on Valentine's Day.  Love for each other also means being there through thick and thin.  Yes, that is cliche, but it's true.  You also love each  other when one of the partners is vomiting hopelessly from stomache flu on your tenth anniversary, suffering pneumonia together on Christmas Day (yes, we both had it at the same time!), sitting at the bedside of the other in the hospital, visiting doctors together and hoping that the mole you have isn't malignant melanoma (it was).  It's holding hands and holding your loved one when there's fear.

Love is also laughing together as you realize that, as poor as you are, you really can get a free hot dog at the Ford dealership and meet Nicky Fordinsky (interesting experience).  Jason and I didn't get through 20 years together without clashing.  We made it a ritual, every day, to tell each other we loved each other, even when it was done through clenched teeth.  We were both good yellers! But we ended the days, most days, saying "thank you for the day".

I'm not a love guru, by any means, but, because of some of the hard times and good times, I've had to rethink how I viewed Valentine's Day.  I was given a Valentine's Card this morning by my mother.  I felt horrible because I didn't give her one.  My reason was, as I said earlier, I avoided the Valentine's Card aisle.  I was lucky to have someone in my life romantically, but I've also learned how to see my family, friends, and, even people I've never met, with love.  I truly hope this doesn't sound overly saccarine, but it hasn't come easy.  Even now, as I fight tears over Jason, I want others who have never felt loved to experience it, whether it be romantic for a time or romantic growing into something deeper.

Thoughts for someone I never met.

I saw a torch with a beautiful flame today.
Cheers from the crowds, a blanket of red and blue over the crowds, warm spirit everywhere on a crowded Vancouver street.  I really couldn't see a frown anywhere in that great wall of people.

While we all happily cheered on the torch, you fought for your life and lost it within seconds.
A whirlwind of emotions swept through Vancouver and the world.

A celebration continued on despite the tears in many eyes, a steadfast team walked solemnly with heads held high even though you were not there and was supposed to be.

I don't know if you were ever a spiritual person,
But I can't help but feel you were there with them tonight.
You'll be there when your team competes for medals,
Smiling and encouraging your team mates.
You'll also be there if they suffer disappointment, encouraging them to get up again.

I didn't know you, but you're someone's son, brother, and best friend.
I'm so sorry your dream ended like this.  I heard, in some movie years ago, that when people die, they still never stop inspiring others. 

My deepest prayers and condolensces go to the family and team-mates of Nodar Kumaritashvilli, who died so horribly today.  If I have gotten his name wrong, please let me know.  I've never met him, but my heart breaks for him and his loved ones.

Job Hunting in Vancouver

I'm finally getting over a miserable head cold which, I think, started with a job hunt in the rain.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not really sure, but it didn't help.

I headed out on an overcast day a few weeks ago.  There was still sunshine when I left White Rock Centre and I felt all ready for a good day actually pounding the pavement.  I was wearing shoes I believed were comfortable and my resumes in my little daytimer/briefcase.

By the time I got down to Vancouver, it was raining.  I thought: that's okay.  I have an umbrella and I am wearing a good raincoat.  I had lunch first as I needed energy and I was a little cold.    The rain was steady but not pouring by the time I headed to where the school was.  I walked up Heather Street for a few blocks and got to the school. I had to press a buzzer in order to get in, which is understandable in this time we live in.  I went up to the counter to smile and greet the school secretary who said, "Bon Jour!"  She seemed very nice so I said the same thing and then handed her a resume and told her I was interested in a job at the school.  I knew a few scattered phrases in French, but it would not prepare me for the fact it was completely French Immersion.  I have absolutely NO problem with French or French Immersion, but I realized I had wasted my time and I should've really not skipped French in junior high school. 

The rain did continue in a steady way.  It became a steady downpour! My shoes were soaked and my feet were cold.  If I had been smart that day, I would have thought, "you are soaked already.  Go for a coffee then head home."  Another voice said, "take a taxi.  There's one on the corner.  You won't spend much as it's only a few blocks away from the next school."  I really don't hear voices, folks.  I just ignore good gut reactions from time to time.  I saw a bus across West Broadway and got onto it.  I knew it went down Broadway to UBC so it stood to reason I could get off very close to the next school I wanted to apply at.  Well, the bus drove and drove.  I thought, this is a long trip, but there are only a couple of stops from here.  The bus dashed past the street I wanted to get off on.  It went 4 blocks past.  The rain only got worse.  I got off the bus, snapped my umbrella back into position and stomped, as best as I could, towards the street I missed.  Again, reason entered my mind and said, "Give it a rest, White!  You're soaked!"  By this time, I was so drenched and frustrated, I was determined to get this resume in at all costs.  I could imagine walking up to the front desk and saying "HERE!  Hire me, damn it!  PLEASE HIRE ME!  I got there, smiled (hair stuck to my forehead), handed my amazingly dry resume to the secretary and said, "Hello. I'm very interested in this position."  I actually hoped that she would see what I had gone through to get to the school and pass on the resume to the administration of the school.  I would get hired because they would feel I showed great fortitude.  No, I think I just looked wet. 

I knew my mother was planning on visiting friends nearby.  I couldn't reach her so I left a message for her saying that I was going to Starbucks and would then head home.  I ended up going to Blenz across the street as Starbucks was being renovated.  I ordered my coffee and plopped down into the chair.  By the time Mum and my step-father arrived, I was almost laughing over the whole day.  I must have looked like some totally crazy woman.  There wasn't a dry piece of clothing on me or a dry hair on my body.

Moral of the story: listen to your instincts!

High School Past

I just came off of Facebook.  I had come across, thanks to Facebook, some people I knew in high school and have become friends with them again.  I went for years thinking I wanted no part of high school reunions.  The fact is, when I got beyond my own self-consciousness, I learned about how some of them came through life, what they did, how they felt about high school.  Okay, that last one.  I know how I felt, but how could I know what dreams didn't come true for them or did come true!  Did they also shiver when doing verbal presentations?  Hide in the bathroom so that the one they had a crush on didn't see them in an awful top your Mum insisted you wear?   I feel, no matter what we experienced in high school, the person we are now still has that kid in us but we can now truly hold our heads up high.

I answered some rather inane questions: If you could go back to high school, would you?  No, not really.  Who did you go to prom with?  No one!  Were you more popular than this person?  No. Etc. Etc.  Frustrating thing was, I did answer them for over an hour.  What was in me, I wonder, that made me sit like I had glue on my seat and on the monitor.  Some did make me think, others brought out the smart-aleck attitude I DID NOT have in High School.  It was kind of fun being silly, serious, smart-alecky, even a little rebellious.  I also enjoyed writing, even in short responses, how much I cared for the people I knew then and know now--many who are the same. 

Little Silver Companion

I no longer have you, but somehow I've been able to keep going and see beauty around me.
Somehow, I could catch, in a snapshot: memories, objects, life.

I went out for a long walk by the ocean today.
I was feeling empty without you.  I looked into my packsack, hoping to see my little silver companion.
It wasn't there, but at home.

How could a little silver camera be such a comfort for me when you're no longer around? 
Somehow I always hope that when I get a picture developed you'd be right there smiling in one of the shots--maybe even making a face!

I went out for a long walk by the ocean today.
I realized that I needed to trust the memory in my heart,
Imagine your gentle voice and laughter, even without my little silver companion.